He runs hot and cold. What does it mean?

One week he is all warmth and momentum. The next, a stranger with your number. You keep auditing what you did between the two. Usually, you did nothing. You simply got close.

01 // What's actually happening

The reflex is to read the cold as punishment and the warmth as the "real" him you have to win back. Both readings keep you chasing his temperature. The likelier engine is avoidant deactivation: when closeness crosses a threshold, his system reads it as threat and cools to create distance. Once the distance restores his sense of safety, the warmth returns — and the cycle resets at the next moment of closeness.

It feels personal because the cold always seems to arrive right after a good stretch. That timing isn't a coincidence or a tactic. The good stretch is precisely what trips the alarm.

02 // The move

Stop riding the wave. Match neither the heat nor the chill — hold one steady frame across both. When he's warm, stay warm but unhurried. When he cools, do not chase, interrogate, or perform hurt to pull the warmth back; that teaches him the cold gets a reaction.

Let consistency, not intensity, decide what you give back.

A steady frame does two things: it stops you from being whipped around by a nervous system that isn't yours, and it reveals whether he can self-regulate back toward you without you managing it for him. If he can, the swings dampen. If he can't, you have your answer — and you got it without losing yourself in the meantime.